Overheard at the Kentucky Derby.

Boyfriend: Man, you knocked my cigar out of my hand!
Super-drunk Girlfriend: You don't have to yell at me just because you lost your cigar!
Boyfriend: No, don't you understand? You knocked my cigar out of my hand!
Super-drunk Girlfriend: No, but, babe, what happened to your cigar?
Boyfriend: You knocked it out of my hand!!!


Percentage of people drunk at the Kentucky Derby: 85%.

Percentage of drunks who were happy: 65%.
Number of free drinks received: 1.
Strength of said drink: dear god in heaven.

Percentage of drunks who were unhappy: 35%.
Number of pointless conversations about gambling losses: 1.
Gambling loss issue: stupid horse.
Number of assistance-rendered incidents: 1.
Incident summary: have you seen a purple tent?

Percentage of people who were shocked that a 50-to-1 long-shot won the Kentucky Derby: 98%.


Overall feeling about this new experience: real good.